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| Yes, YOU! |
Muhammad Ali once said, “A man who views the
world at 50 the same way he did at 20 has wasted 30 years of his life.” I
believe that.
At
20, I was certain I had figured out most things. Thirty years later I realize
there's a lot I still don't know or understand.
For
instance, I’ve come to terms with my personal history of sexism, heterosexism, ableism
and classism. Three decades ago, nobody could have convinced me of my participation
in these -isms. In my 20s I thought, “As an African American male who experiences
racism, I’ve got a firm grip on how it feels to be gay, a woman, disabled
person or someone poor. There’s no way would I participate in any form of
discrimination.”
Rubbish.
Today,
I realize just how little I understand what these targeted groups go through –
despite having close friendships across each group. Back then I didn’t know
that I didn’t know. Today, I know I don’t know, but I’m listening, reading and
learning. Huge difference.
Speaking
of racism, I’ve gone through much of my life believing it consisted merely of
bad individuals actively thinking and doing prejudicial things against people
of color. It wasn't until later that I came to understand the state-sanctioned
policies and systems that were created to establish and perpetuate racism. And
that good, well-meaning people help prop up these systems – through unconscious
bias and/or their silence.
Another
biggie: I had no idea some 30 odd years ago that the physical injuries of my
youth would fester until my middle ages, and begin a gradual torment that would
likely follow me to my final days. Nor did I realize the significance of other
sorts of injuries. The kind that occur up in your head.
Nowadays
I understand that certain mental and emotional traumas from my childhood, teen years
and young adulthood impact how I see the world and move through it. Back then
it all seemed like it was “one and done.” And yet, had I not been teased and
bullied, would I have embarked on my current social justice career path? One
wonders.
I
used to think not having my father around after he passed in my 20s was “just
one of those things” and I’d get by. Yet in later years I recognized the magnitude
of no longer benefiting from the wisdom of his counsel. In him I lost an
important perspective. He’d seen me at my very best, and worst. From that, he could
offer viewpoints like no other man. (Thank goodness I still have mom). In my
youth, I squandered countless opportunities to benefit from his wisdom. Today I’d
walk through fire to hear his words.
Which
brings me to my two closest friends. They walk alongside me today with an
importance that has me lamenting the rather childish ways in which I held their
friendship in our 20s. Back then, trust with them centered on mostly juvenile notions,
like how to get women and what gym exercises to do to look my best.
Today
I depend on them as confidants for truly important things, like how to stay in my
marriage when it’s tough. I still ask about the best gym exercises, though not
to look my best but rather feel it. If
only I could have let go my macho insecurities to engage in more substantive
conversation. But you live and learn.
A
lot of folks stubbornly cling to habits, practices, values and beliefs, even
when life experiences reveal how harmful they are to one’s self and/or others.
That’s sad because self-examination is the only way to achieve transformative growth
as a human being.
Follow J.R. on Twitter @4humansbeing or
contact him at 4humansbeing@gmail.com.
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